Love and Stockholm
Syndrome:
The Mystery of Loving an
Abuser
by
Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Clinical
Psychologist
People are often amazed at
their own psychological conditions and reactions. Those with depression are
stunned when they remember they’ve thought of killing themselves. Patients
recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they
remember their symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar
Disorder recently told me “I can’t believe I thought I could change the weather
through mental telepathy!” A common reaction is “I can’t believe I did that!”
In clinical practice, some of
the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in
controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer
comments such as “I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him”, “I don’t
know why, but I want him back”, or “I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her”.
Recently I’ve heard “This doesn’t make sense. He’s got a new girlfriend and he’s
abusing her too…but I’m jealous!” Friends and relatives are even more amazed and
shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an
abusive relationship. While the situation doesn’t make sense from a social
standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer
is - Yes!
On August 23rd, 1973
two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting
their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified
bank employees “The party has just begun!” The two bank robbers held four
hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were
strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August
28th.
After their rescue, the
hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused,
and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was
clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement
personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors
were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to
one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their
criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had “bonded” emotionally with their
captors.
While the psychological
condition in hostage situations became known as “Stockholm Syndrome” due to the
publicity – the emotional “bonding” with captors was a familiar story in
psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of
other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:
In the final analysis,
emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for
victims of abuse and intimidation. The “Stockholm Syndrome” reaction in hostage
and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage
negotiators no longer view it as unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in
crime situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On the
down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing “Stockholm Syndrome”
will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law
enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who
fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and
even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a
violent assault.
Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can
also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser
may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any
other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.
It’s important to understand
the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling
relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it’s easier to understand why
victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and
controllers.
Every syndrome has symptoms or
behaviors and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not
been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of
these features will be present:
Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t
occur in every hostage or abusive situation. In another bank robbery involving
hostages, after terrorizing patrons and employees for many hours, a police
sharpshooter shot and wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the
floor, two women picked him up and physically held him up to the window for
another shot. As you can see, the length of time one is exposed to abuse/control
and other factors are certainly involved.
It has been found that four
situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the
development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in
hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:
By considering each situation
we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships as
well as criminal/hostage situations. Looking at each
situation:
Perceived threat to one’s physical/psychological
survival
The perception of
threat can be formed by direct, indirect, or witnessed methods. Criminal or
antisocial partners can directly threaten your life or the life of friends and
family. Their history of violence leads us to believe that the captor/controller
will carry out the threat in a direct manner if we fail to comply with their
demands. The abuser assures us that only our cooperation keeps our loved ones
safe.
Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats
that you will never leave them or have another partner, reminding you
that people in the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes. Hints
are often offered such as “I know people who can make others disappear”.
Indirect threats also come from the stories told by the abuser or controller –
how they obtained revenge on those who have crossed them in the past. These
stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is possible if
they leave.
Witnessing violence or aggression is also a perceived
threat. Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the
highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be the next
target for violence. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of the
abuser/controller is threatening and intimidating, knowing that we will be the
target of those thoughts in the future.
In
threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope – a small sign
that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some
small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim
interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor. In
criminal/war hostage situations, letting the victim live is often enough. Small
behaviors, such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough
to strengthen the Stockholm Syndrome in criminal hostage
events.
In
relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a
period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but
evidence that the abuser is not “all bad” and may at some time correct his/her
behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not
abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected
to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous
partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social
situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the
wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn’t happen,
that “small kindness” is interpreted as a positive sign.
Similar to the small kindness perception is the
perception of a “soft side”. During the relationship, the abuser/controller may
share information about their past – how they were mistreated, abused,
neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be
capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a
“victim”. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of
Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with “I know he fractured my jaw and
ribs…but he’s troubled. He had a rough childhood!” Losers and abusers may admit
they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed, however,
it's almost always after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The
admission is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse. In truth,
personality disorders and criminals have learned over the years that personal
responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and even
denied by blaming their bad upbringing, abuse as a child, and now - video games.
One murderer blamed his crime on eating too much junk food – now known as the
“Twinkie Defense”. While it may be true that the abuser/controller had a
difficult upbringing – showing sympathy for his/her history produces no change
in their behavior and in fact, prolongs the length of time you will be abused.
While “sad stories” are always included in their apologies – after the
abusive/controlling event - their behavior never changes! Keep in mind; once you
become hardened to the “sad stories”, they will simply try another approach. I
know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say "I'm beating
(robbing, mugging, etc.) you because my Mom hated me!"
In
abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always
“walking on eggshells” – fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a
violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world
through the abuser’s perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an
outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of
their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our
pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is
an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our
perception of the abuser’s potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the
needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.
Taking the abuser’s perspective as a survival technique
can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those
trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who
would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and
manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with
supportive people in the community is met with accusations, threats, and/or
violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family – fearing family contact
will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims
curse their parents and friends, tell them not to call and stop interfering, and
break off communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller,
supportive others are now viewed as “causing trouble” and must be avoided. Many
victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they
continue to “interfere” or try to help the victim in their situation. On the
surface it would appear that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In
truth, they are trying to minimize contact situation that might make them a
target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from
Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations – the victim
quickly realizes it's safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop
calling doesn’t work, for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of
attempting to ruin the relationship and demand that she stop calling.
In
severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have
difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is
their fault. In law enforcement situations, the victim may actually feel the
arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their fault. Some
women will allow their children to be removed by child protective agencies
rather than give up the relationship with their abuser. As they take the
perspective of the abuser, the children are at fault – they complained about the
situation, they brought the attention of authorities to the home, and they put
the adult relationship at risk. Sadly, the children have now become a danger to
the victim’s safety. For those with Stockholm Syndrome, allowing the children to
be removed from the home decreases their victim stress while providing an
emotionally and physically safer environment for the
children.
As a
hostage in a bank robbery, threatened by criminals with guns, it’s easy to
understand the perceived inability to escape. In romantic relationships, the
belief that one can’t escape is also very common. Many abusive/controlling
relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part relationships – locked together by
mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations. Here are some common situations:
·
Controlling partners have
increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that
neither partner can financially survive on their own. Controllers who sense
their partner may be leaving will often purchase a new automobile, later
claiming they can’t pay alimony or child support due to their large car
payments.
·
The legal ending of a
relationship, especially a martial relationship, often creates significant
problems. A Controller who has an income that is “under the table” or maintained
through legally questionable situations runs the risk of those sources of income
being investigated or made public by the divorce/separation. The Controller then
becomes more agitated about the possible public exposure of their business
arrangements than the loss of the relationship.
·
The Controller often uses
extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of state,
threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support,
threatening public exposure of the victim’s personal issues, or assuring the
victim they will never have a peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. In severe
cases, the Controller may threaten an action that will undercut the victim’s
support such as “I’ll see that you lose your job” or “I’ll have your automobile
burned”.
·
Controllers often keep the
victim locked into the relationship with severe guilt – threatening suicide if
the victim leaves. The victim hears “I’ll kill myself in front of the children”,
“I’ll set myself on fire in the front yard”, or “Our children won’t have a
father/mother if you leave me!”
·
In relationships with an
abuser or controller, the victim has also experienced a loss of self-esteem,
self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel “burned out” and
too depressed to leave. Additionally, abusers and controllers often create a
type of dependency by controlling the finances, placing automobiles/homes in
their name, and eliminating any assets or resources the victim may use to leave.
In clinical practice I’ve heard “I’d leave but I can’t even get money out of the
savings account! I don’t know the PIN number.”
·
In teens and young adults,
victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they feel
inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation.
When parents are going through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling
individual, feeling the controller may stabilize their life. Freshmen in college
may be attracted to controlling individuals who promise to help them survive
living away from home on a college campus.
In unhealthy relationships and
definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation with “trouble”.
Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold
meal that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or
abuser. To survive, “trouble” is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must
control situations that produce trouble. That may include avoiding family,
friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create “trouble” in the abusive
relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only
avoiding “trouble”! The victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans
the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates every issue of the controller
or abuse in an effort to avoid “trouble”. In this situation, children who are
noisy become “trouble”. Loved ones and friends are sources of “trouble” for the
victim who is attempting to avoid verbal or physical aggression.
Stockholm Syndrome in
relationships is not uncommon. Law enforcement professionals are painfully aware
of the situation – making a domestic dispute one of the high-risk calls during
the work hours. Called by neighbors during a spousal abuse incident, the abuser
is passive upon arrival of the police, only to find the abused spouse upset and
threatening the officers if their abusive partner is arrested for domestic
violence. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will retaliate
against him/her if 1) they encourage an arrest, 2) they offer statements about
the abuse/fight that are deemed disloyal by the abuser, 3) they don’t bail them
out of jail as quickly as possible, and 4) they don’t personally apologize for
the situation – as though it was their fault.
Stockholm Syndrome produces an
unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims
continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It’s also the
reason they continue to see “the good side” of an abusive individual and appear
sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused
them.
Is There Something Else
Involved?
In a short response – Yes!
Throughout history, people have found themselves supporting and participating in
life situations that range from abusive to bizarre. In talking to these active
and willing participants in bad and bizarre situations, it is clear they have
developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation. One way these
feelings and thoughts are developed is known as “cognitive dissonance”. As you
can tell, psychologists have large words and phrases for just about everything.
“Cognitive Dissonance” explains
how and why people change their ideas and opinions to support situations that do
not appear to be healthy, positive, or normal. In the theory, an individual
seeks to reduce information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. When
we have two sets of cognitions (knowledge, opinion, feelings, input from others,
etc.) that are the opposite, the situation becomes emotionally uncomfortable.
Even though we might find ourselves in a foolish or difficult situation – few
want to admit that fact. Instead, we attempt to reduce the dissonance - the fact
that our cognitions don’t match, agree, or make sense when combined. “Cognitive
Dissonance” can be reduced by adding new cognitions – adding new thoughts and
attitudes. Some examples:
·
Heavy smokers know smoking
causes lung cancer and multiple health risks. To continue smoking, the smoker
changes his cognitions (thoughts/feelings) such as 1) “I’m smoking less than ten
years ago”, 2) “I’m smoking low-tar cigarettes”, 3) “Those statistics are made
up by the cancer industry conspiracy”, or 4) “Something’s got to get you
anyway!” These new cognitions/attitudes allow them to keep smoking and actually
begin blaming restaurants for being unfair.
·
You purchase a $40,000.00
Sport Utility Vehicle that gets 8 miles a gallon. You justify the expense and
related issues with 1) “It’s great on trips (you take one trip per year)”, 2) “I
can use it to haul stuff (one coffee table in 12 months), and 3) “You can carry
a lot of people in it (95% of your trips are
driver-only).”
·
Your husband/boyfriend
becomes abusive and assaultive. You can’t leave due to the finances, children,
or other factors. Through cognitive dissonance, you begin telling yourself “He
only hits me open-handed” and “He’s had a lot of stress at
work.”
Leon Festinger first coined
“Cognitive Dissonance”. He had observed a cult (1956) in which members gave up
their homes, incomes, and jobs to work for the cult. This cult believed in
messages from outer space that predicted the day the world would end by a flood.
As cult members and firm believers, they believed they would be saved by flying
saucers at the appointed time. As they gathered and waited to be taken by flying
saucers at the specified time, the end-of-the-world came and went. No flood and
no flying saucer! Rather than believing they were foolish after all that
personal and emotional investment – they decided their beliefs had actually
saved the world from the flood and they became firmer in their beliefs after the
failure of the prophecy. The moral – the more you invest (income, job, home,
time, effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position. If we
invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with “I’ll get them next
time”. If you invest everything you have, it requires an almost unreasoning
belief and unusual attitude to support and justify that
investment.
Studies tell us we are more
loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even
humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp,
and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any
ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched,
falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being
stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien
abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding – even
if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of
the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling to survive on a deserted
island – you bet!
Abusive relationships produce a
great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many cases we tend to
remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the
relationship. Try telling a new Marine that since he or she has survived boot
camp, they should now enroll in the National Guard! Several types of investments
keep us in the bad relationship:
In many cases, it’s not simply
our feelings for an individual that keeps us in an unhealthy relationship - it’s
often the amount of investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see
the tip of the iceberg in public. For this reason, the most common phrase
offered by the victim in defense of their unhealthy relationship is “You just
don’t understand!”
The combination of “Stockholm
Syndrome” and “cognitive dissonance” produces a victim who firmly believes the
relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for their
survival. The victim feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship
ended. In long-term relationships, the victims have invested everything and
placed “all their eggs in one basket”. The relationship now decides their level
of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health.
For reasons described above,
the victim feels family and friends are a threat to the relationship and
eventually to their personal health and existence. The more family/friends
protest the controlling and abusive nature of the relationship, the more the
victim develops cognitive dissonance and becomes defensive. At this point,
family and friends become victims of the abusive and controlling
individual.
Importantly, both Stockholm
Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop on an involuntary basis. The victim
does not purposely invent this attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and
survive in a threatening and controlling environment and relationship. Despite
what we might think, our loved one is not in the unhealthy relationship to
irritate, embarrass, or drive us to drink. What might have began as a normal
relationship has turned into a controlling and abusive situation. They are
trying to survive. Their personality is developing the feelings and thoughts
needed to survive the situation and lower their emotional and physical risks.
All of us have developed attitudes and feelings that help us accept and survive
situations. We have these attitudes/feelings about our jobs, our community, and
other aspects of our life. As we have found throughout history, the more
dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts
to survive. The victim is engaged in an attempt to survive and make a
relationship work. Once they decide it doesn’t work and can’t be fixed, they
will need our support as we patiently await their decision to return to a
healthy and positive lifestyle.
When a
family is confronted with a loved one involved with a Loser or
controlling/abusive individual, the situation becomes emotionally painful and
socially difficult for the family. While each situation is different, some
general guidelines to consider are:
-
Your loved one, the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, has probably been given a
choice - the relationship or the family. This choice is made more difficult by
the control and intimidation often present in abusive/controlling relationships.
Knowing that choosing the family will result in severe personal and social
consequences, the family always comes in second. Keep in mind that the victim
knows in their heart the family will always love them and accept their return –
whenever the return happens.
-
Remember, the more you pressure the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, the more you
prove the their point. Your loved one is being told the family is trying to ruin
their wonderful relationship. Pressure in the form of contacts, comments, and
communications will be used as evidence against you. An invitation to a
Tupperware party is met with “You see! They just want to get you by yourself so
they can tell you bad things about me!” Increasing your contacts is viewed as
“putting pressure” on their relationship – not being lovingly
concerned.
-
Your contacts with your loved one, no matter how routine and loving, may be met
with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the
Loser/Abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally. Imagine getting a four-hour
lecture every time your Aunt Gladys calls. In a short time, you become angry
each time she calls, knowing what the contact will produce in your home. The
longer Aunt Gladys talks – the longer your lecture becomes! Thus, when Aunt
Gladys calls, you want to get her off the phone as quickly as possible.
-
The 1980’s song, ”Hold on Loosely”, maybe the key to a good family and friend
approach. Holding on too tight produces more pressure. When the victim is out of
the home, it’s often best to establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling
every Wednesday evening, just for a status report or to go over current events,
is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random calls are always
viewed as “checking up on us” calls. While you may encounter an answering
machine, leave a polite and loving message. Importantly, don’t discuss the
relationship (the controller may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up.
The goal of these scheduled calls is to maintain contact, remind your loved one
that you are always there to help, and to quietly remind the controller that
family and loved ones are nearby and haven’t disappeared.
-
Try to maintain traditional and special contacts with your loved one - holidays,
special occasions, etc. Keep your contacts short and brief, with no comments
that can be used as evidence. Contacts made at “traditional” times – holidays,
birthdays, anniversaries, etc. – are not as threatening to a controller/abuser.
Contacts that provide information, but not questions, are also not as
threatening. An example might be a simple card reading “Just a note to let you
know that your brother landed a new job this week. You might see him on a
Wal-Mart commercial any day now. Love, Mom and Dad”. This approach allows the
victim to recognize that the family is there - waiting in the wings if needed.
It also lessens the lectures/tantrums provided by the Loser as the contacts are
on a traditional and expected basis. It’s also hard to be angry about brother’s
new job without looking ridiculous. Also, don’t invent holidays or send a
reminder that it’s Sigmund Freud’s birthday. That’s suspicious…even in my
family.
-
Remember that there are many channels of communication. It’s important that we
keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication channels might include
phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail. Scheduled monthly shopping trips or
outings are helpful if possible. The goal is to maintain contact while your
loved one is involved in the controlling/abusive relationship. Remember, the
goal is contact, not pressure.
-
Don't feel the victim's behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a
form of survival or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be very resistive,
angry, and even hostile due to the complexity of their relationship with the
controller/abuser. They may even curse, threaten, and accuse loved ones and
friends. This hostile defensiveness is actually self-protection in the
relationship – an attempt to avoid “trouble”.
-
The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of their
behavior. Keep in mind, they are painfully aware of their situation. They know
they are being treated badly and/or controlled by their partner. Frequent
reminders of this will only make them want less contact. We naturally avoid
people who remind us of things or situations that are emotionally painful.
-
Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about their
relationship or hint they may be considering leaving. When the door opens, don't
jump through with the Marines behind you! Listen and simply offer support such
as "You know your family is behind any decision you need to make and at any time
you make it." They may be exploring what support is available but may not be
ready to call in the troops just yet. Many victims use an “exit plan” that may
take months or even years to complete. They may be gathering information at this
point, not yet ready for an exit.
- We can get messages to people in two ways - the pipeline and the grapevine. The pipeline is face-to-face, telling the person directly. This seldom happens in Loser situations as controllers and abusers monitor and control contacts with others. However, the grapevine is still open. When we use the grapevine, we send a message to our loved one through another person. Victims of controlling and abusive individuals are often allowed to maintain a relationship with a few people, perhaps a sibling or best friend. We can send our loved one a message through that contact person, a message that voices our understanding and support. We don't send insults ("Bill is such a jerk!) or put-downs ("If he doesn't get out of this relationship he'll end up crazy!) - we send messages of love and support. We send "I hope she/he (victim) knows the family is concerned and that we love and support them." Comments sent on the grapevine are phrased with the understanding that our loved one will hear them in that manner. Don’t talk with a grapevine contact to express anger and threaten to hire a hit man, and then try to send a message of loving support. Be careful what and how the message is provided. The grapevine contact can often get messages to the victim when we can't. It’s another way of letting them know we’re supporting them, just waiting to help if and when needed.
-
Each situation is different. The family may need to seek counseling support in
the community. A family consultation with a mental health professional or
attorney may be helpful if the situation becomes legally complex or there is a
significant danger of harm.
-
As relatives or friends of a victim involved with a controller or abuser, our
normal reaction is to consider dramatic action. We become angry, resentful, and
aggressive at times. Our mind fills with a variety of plans that often range
from rescue and kidnapping to ambushing the controller/abuser with a ball bat. A
rule of thumb is that any aggression toward the controller/abuser will result in
additional difficulties for your loved one. Try to remain calm and await an
opportunity to show your love and support when your loved one needs it.
-
In some cases, as in teenagers and young adults, the family may still provide
some financial, insurance, or other support. When we receive angry responses to
our phone calls, our anger and resentment tells us to cut off their support.
I’ve heard “If she’s going to date that jerk, it’s not going to be in a car I’m
paying for!” and “If he’s choosing that woman over his family, he can drop out
of college and flip hamburgers!” Withdrawing financial support only makes your
loved one more dependent upon the controller/abuser. Remember, if we’re
aggressive by threatening, withdrawing support, or pressuring – we become the
threatening force, not the controller/abuser. It actually moves the victim into
the support of the controller. Sadly, the more of an “ordeal” they experience,
the more bonding takes place as noted in Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive
dissonance.
- As you might imagine, the
combination of Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance may also be active
when our loved one is involved in cults, unusual religions, and other groups. In
some situations, the abuser and controller is actually a group or organization.
Victims are punished if they are viewed as disloyal to the group. While this
article deals with individual relationships, the family guidelines may be
helpful in controlling-group situations.
You
may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking an understanding
of your feelings and attitudes. You may have a son, daughter, or friend
currently involved with a controlling and abusive partner, looking for ways to
understand and help.
If a
loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing partner, the
long-term outcome is difficult to determine due to the many factors involved. If
their relationship is in the “dating” phase, they may end the relationship on
their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year, they may require
support and an exit plan before ending the relationship. Marriage and children
further complicates their ability to leave the situation. When the victim
decides to end the unhappy relationship, it’s important that they view loved
ones as supportive, loving, and understanding – not a source of pressure, guilt,
or aggression.
This
article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and attitudes that are
as puzzling to the victim as they are to family and friends. I’ve outlined
recommendations for detaching from a Loser or controlling/abusive individual
(www.drjoecarver.com) but clearly, there are more victims in this situation. It
is hoped this article is helpful to family and friends who worry, cry, and have
difficulty understanding the situation of their loved one. It has been said that
knowledge is power. Hopefully this knowledge will prove helpful and powerful to
victims and their loved ones.
Please
consider this article as a general guideline. Some recommendations may be
appropriate and helpful while some may not apply to a specific situation. In
many cases, we may need additional professional help of a mental health or legal
nature.
Joseph
M. Carver, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
WARNING SIGNS YOU'RE DATING A LOSER